Deep within the trenches that reside inside my mind I fight a losing battle against depression.
I try to fake happiness and beg my face to hold its phony smile,
When really all I want to do is shout and scream and end it all.
And sometimes I genuinely make myself believe that it’ll all be okay if I just wait a while,
But I’m just kidding myself so that I rise higher and come down harder when I fall.
I pick myself up and stumble on,
Into the darkness that surrounds my world.
I try to fight these thoughts and feelings that manifest within my soul,
I swing at the guilt I feel for my father’s suicide and lash at the memories of the bullies and tormentors,
But I always miss,
And they just keep hitting me harder.
I’m sure my dad loved me but I don’t remember hearing him say the words,
And I’m sure there is a girl out there for me somewhere in this world,
But how can she love someone like me?
How can anyone?
Someone so twisted on the outside and warped to the core,
And don’t tell me I’m wrong because I’ve heard it all before,
And what I’ve learnt over time is that whilst my friends may lie to protect me,
My mirrors are always honest.
I don’t own a gun so I put the pen to my head instead,
And when I pull the trigger these are the thoughts that explode out.